His absence is like dead air – empty waiting to be filled.
I go visit him at his resting home as much as I can. I can’t go alone. I take the girls, too. They miss him dearly. They cry with me. “Mama, when will we see him again?” I do not respond. My throat hurts. My eyes water. My heart aches. My husband comforts. We leave to go home. It is a long ride home. I look for a sign that he is ok. He sends a rainbow. I haven’t seen his sign in a while. I wonder what he’s up to.
He hasn’t been to visit me for a few weeks. I wonder what he is up to. He said once, “You are the strong one, the sensible one. They will need you.” I told him I did not want the role. I hope he is not angry with me. Maybe he’s busy visiting the other ones. I wonder if he watching over the girls and me. Does he remember us? If so is he concerned, like I am, about baby brother? Baby brother has been absent from the family since he left. Baby brother feels responsible. He’s been told it was not his fault. It was time for him to go to another place – better place, so some say.
Big sister is stressing about her cancer diagnosis. Does he know? Can he comfort her? Maybe he’s trying and she’s not accepting of his help. She has been an emotional roller coaster. Maybe he’s busy with her and cannot visit with me now. Big sister truly needs him. My issues can wait. I wonder what he’s up to.
Mom has been thinking about him. Her calendar tells me so. It stays on the month he left. She writes the date in her journal. I think it is her way of remembering – not forgetting the day, the hour, the call. She won’t forget. Does he know this? Does he visit her? I’m sure she’s wondering what he’s up to.
I wonder often if he’s truly in a better place. Does he want to come back to us? Does he need to be comforted?
He will forever live within my heart, my mind, my soul. I will always wonder what he is up to.