His absence is like dead air – empty waiting to be filled.

I go visit him at his resting home as much as I can. I can’t go alone. I take the girls, too.  They miss him dearly. They cry with me. “Mama, when will we see him again?” I do not respond. My throat hurts. My eyes water. My heart aches.  My husband comforts. We leave to go home. It is a long ride home. I look for a sign that he is ok. He sends a rainbow. I haven’t seen his sign in a while. I wonder what he’s up to.

He hasn’t been to visit me for a few weeks. I wonder what he is up to. He said once, “You are the strong one, the sensible one. They will need you.”  I told him I did not want the role. I hope he is not angry with me. Maybe he’s busy visiting the other ones. I wonder if he watching over the girls and me. Does he remember us? If so is he concerned, like I am, about baby brother? Baby brother has been absent from the family since he left. Baby brother feels responsible. He’s been told it was not his fault. It was time for him to go to another place – better place, so some say.

Big sister is stressing about her cancer diagnosis. Does he know? Can he comfort her? Maybe he’s trying and she’s not accepting of his help. She has been an emotional roller coaster. Maybe he’s busy with her and cannot visit with me now. Big sister truly needs him. My issues can wait. I wonder what he’s up to.

Mom has been thinking about him. Her calendar tells me so. It stays on the month he left. She writes the date in her journal. I think it is her way of remembering – not forgetting the day, the hour, the call. She won’t forget. Does he know this? Does he visit her? I’m sure she’s wondering what he’s up to.

I wonder often if he’s truly in a better place. Does he want to come back to us? Does he need to be comforted?

He will forever live within my heart, my mind, my soul. I will always wonder what he is up to. 


12 thoughts on “Grieving

  1. Your post reminded me of how I felt when I first lost my father. I thought about him every day for a long time, and it was very, very painful because he did not go easily. Grieving is a natural part of life that you are entitled to feel as long as you need to. I’m sorry for your loss.

  2. This is touching and recalls the days after my mother’s death. It has been seven years but my family always thinks of her. She is with us. I am sure “he” is with you, too.

  3. I wrote yesterday about missing my dad too. The only “visit” I’ve had was when two hummingbirds made a midwinter appearance outside my window, and I felt for a moment that my parents were letting me know they were together and happy.

    It’s hard. It sounds like you take a lot on yourself. I’m glad your husband is supportive. The grief we feel, however we express it, is a measure of our love.

  4. Grief stays with us in some form and lessens. Your line: “Mom has been thinking about him. Her calendar tells me so. It stays on the month he left.” is chilling. It is the small records of sadness that are the most evocative–that convey the pain and how it slices.

  5. Beautiful. Heartbreaking. I felt tears welling up as I read this. His connection to you is still so strong, despite the loss of his physical presence. I know you will continue to feel him with you- that type of love knows no boundaries.

  6. Thank you for being courageous enough to write this piece today. Thank you for being brave enough to address the questions floating through your mind. Thank you for writing a piece filled with the emotion, and wonder, of grief. I understand your questions, your pain, your grief more than I want…Best to you!

  7. I lost both my parents in two years – it is so hard, every day. I do believe they are with us in our own way. Someone told me to “look for the signs.” Now I do and I see them every day. Give it go — look for the signs. I promise –he is there. I am here with you too – far away, but here.


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